Did I ever tell you I want us to build a wall?
All I want from our house is this wall.
I want us to hang on it our family picture and a cross.And, if you ever live in the house with someone else, never forget that there’s an empty space on one of the walls for our missing picture and for the cross that will one day, bring us together.
قلتلّك إنو بدّي نعمّر حيط أنا وياك؟
.ما بدّي من البيت إلا هالحيط
.بدّي نعلّق عليه صورة عيلتنا وصليب
.وإذا قعدت بالبيت مع حدا غيري، تذكّر عطول إنو في مطرح فاضي ع شي حيط لصورة إلنا ناقصة، ولصليب رح يجمعنا بالآخر
All I want is to be by your side, but I can’t be just your friend.
You & I border our love’s exclusivity.
You see? I can’t be your friend anymore and it’s killing me.
It’s been a month since we’ve spoken. I miss him more than ever. I can’t write or read what I’ve written before.
The only place I want to be, if I can’t be in your arms, is in front of the place we met, lying on the floor, waiting for death to come upon me.
Let the passers-by see a heartless corpse and wonder: “How did she live with a leaking cavity for a heart?”
Let them mourn the life I couldn’t live anymore.
Let the passers-by cuss at me and curse me!
Let them be witnesses of our unspeakable love.
My tainted blood stains will weep my death on your doorway, eternally unclotted.
And if my blood won’t be enough, I’ll break my perfume bottle and let all the aromas infuse.
I’ll be your incense,
I’ll be the myrrh,
and I’ll burn to mask
the stench of your guilt.
I didn’t get addicted to you as one gets accustomed to a drug,
I loved you at once
when you shed your demons upon me,
when you showed me your disfigured face,
I loved you when you loved me the least,
because it was then that I recognized you.
How could I not redeem you
when you bled your sins out on my hands?
I wrenched my heart out and grafted yours.
But now that I made restitution,
two pulses beat in you, while I linger on none.
I deleted all the things I had of you.
Now I’m left with the echo reiterating your name in crescendo,
expanding you instead of smothering you.
Crooked spiral of my mind,
Vicious cycle of my blood,
Souffle vital qui m’étrangle,*
No sigh where dead souls lie.
- Vital breath that’s suffocating me